Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
