someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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