I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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