Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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