i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
