9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
