You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
