I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
