why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
