What did we do last night that was yellow?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
