apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
