worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
