I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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