we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
