guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
