Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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