Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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