Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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