I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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