I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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