did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
