i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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