I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
