Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
