You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
