i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
