True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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