why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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