I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
