good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
