I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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