So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
