I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
