I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
