i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
