I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
