No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
