Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
