apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
