I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
