So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
we should paint friendship bongs
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