I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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