Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
