The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
