I'm pants shitting drunk right now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
