was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
