Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
