Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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