the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
