you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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