Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
