I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
