I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize