apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize