Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize