fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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